9:24 a.m. LaQuita calls me.
google maps….do i have a packet? is fifty minutes to get there too long? what does SASETA stand for? she’s older, will she trust me?
9:33 a.m. train, please come faster. unfold directions. read three times. fold them up. put them in my pocket. take them out again. unfold them. read them again. fold them up, and put them away again.
9:40 a.m. i sit down on the train. take out all my paper work. bill of rights for victims. sexual assault hotline. emergency contreception. am i going to a catholic hospital? i really hope the nurses take me seriously. finish my almonds, i may not get lunch until later. how many more stops? three more. i hope the bus stop isn’t far from the L.
9:50 a.m. why does there have to be construction right here!? i count fifteen cars can go through the light at one time. I see the bus. probably thirty cars away. okay. I’ll get on the bus before 10:00 a.m. and then i’ll get there by 10:20 a.m. what are the signs of vicarious trauma? oh wait that doesn’t have to do with the survivor, i’ll deal with that later. bus come on!!
10:14 a.m. sir, does this go to the hospital? yes. get off at the next stop. how do i get to the emergency room? when you get off walk down the street and then turn left.
10:17 a.m. oh goodness. i walk through the automatic doors, look around several times and then a woman behind the desk asks if she can help me. yes. i’m from RVA. ooooh. she turns to another woman, she’s here. my heart isn’t beating anymore. i thought it’d be pounding by now but i can’t even feel it.
10:20 a.m. she’s just started the rape kit. how about you sit out here until they’re done. do you want coffee. without thinking i answer yes. i think this is probably my second or third time in an emergency room. there’s so much going on. an older gentleman staring at me from across the room. a nurse who seems a little frustrated.
10:25 a.m. wait, how many times have you been pregnant? i hear through the door. I feel like pushing it down, that doesn’t matter, i’d scream. why do i have to sit out here i should be in there.
10:45 a.m. hi, i’m ellen. i’m not from the hospital, or the police. I’m from an outside organization called RVA, rape victim advocates (she shudders when i say the word), i’m here to support you, answer any questions you may have, let you know what your options are. it’s up to you how long i stay, and how much you tell me. but it’s all confidential, unless you indicate to me that you’ll hurt either yourself or someone else. is there anything you need right now?
her tears make me want to cry. those bruises make me angry. the bite marks make me furious. she says she hasn’t eaten in four days. and i’m ready to run out to any restaurant to get her whatever she wants. i’m not telling anyone, she said, and i’m so sad that me, a stranger, is the one person she can trust.
angry, upset, on the verge of tears. thinking of him. trying to remember his face for her. wishing i could have been there.
you’re so strong. it took you so much courage to come here.
11:50 a.m. she’s left for an ultra sound, CT scan, and ekg scan. i’m left in the room, and literaly my mind is blank. the nurse comes in to clean. and we’re both silent.
it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault.
1:20 p.m. you’re strong, just for coming in, you’re so brave. (i’m not allowed to make promises but i just want to tell her I PROMISE you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. you can’t see it now, but it WILL get better).
four weeks ago i asked myself what it would be like to live in a world without rape. and i can’t imagine it. everywhere i see it. from the dulci and gabanna advertisement in my vogue magazine, to the music vidoes that play while i’m running at bally’s. but if it didn’t exist, i wouldn’t know this amazing woman, and i’d be okay with that. she wouldn’t have to cry, or go days without eating, or have her body exposed to so many people that she didn’t ask to see it! she wouldn’t be in pain. millions of women wouldn’t be living the lives they are.
i loved it. i took a five hour nap after it, and i wasn’t really thinking clearly while i tried to have a relaxing lunch with my roommate later on, i had nothing left in me for the rest of the day. but i loved it. i wish RVA didn’t have to exist, but it was such an amazing feeling to be able to look at this woman, look her in her eyes and say I BELIEVE YOU. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN. YOU COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN. and even though nothing may ever get done about getting this man, these men, into jail, if i gave her anything, i hope it’s the confidence to look at this world telling her she’s wrong, and scream back at it, I AM RIGHT. HE WAS WRONG. THIS WAS WRONG.
November 8, 2009 at 8:06 pm |
Very interesting. It is nice to let someone know they are normal even in the most difficult situations and that they do not have to take the blame for something they did not do. Always remember, it is about them not you. No agenda. I am proud of you.